The ceiling becomes clear as day in the dead of the night, the walls have regained their color and yet I sit in utter darkness. Hours upon hours of waiting. Waiting for my body to slow down. Waiting for my brain to give into the deprivation. Waiting for the sun to rise so that I may wake up and start my day feeling absolutely and utterly powerless.

•

•

I’m here Lauren.

Why is this happening to me?
Just breathe.

Just tell me what to do.
You don’t have to do anything.

Tell me what I did wrong.
You didn’t do anything wrong.

Please let me fall asleep.
Trust me.

I am all alone.
You aren’t.

Nobody knows I’m here.
I know you’re here.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody know that I am here?
I know you’re here.

Seen, Known, Loved.
Here.

•

I try and try to sit in peace. Then I stop trying to try. Then I attempt to breathe.

You. Breathe in, breathe out. Keep. Breathe in, breathe out. Him. Breathe in, breathe out. In. Breathe in, breathe out. Perfect. Breathe in, breathe out. Peace. Breathe in, breathe out. Whose. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind. Breathe in, breathe out. Is. Breathe in, breathe out. Stayed. Breathe in, breathe out. On. Breathe in, breathe out. You. Breathe in, breathe out. For. Breathe in, breathe out. He. Breathe in, breathe out. Trusts. Breathe in, Breathe out. In. Breathe in, breathe out. You.

•

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I feel as if my soul may collapse in on itself. It is hard to define a panic attack by what is happening internally. I am completely still. Yet my inner being is restless, hurting, aching, and spinning.

•

•

Lord please grant me sleep.
my whole body is aching and my heart will not slow down.
Just breathe.

I can’t. I can’t even breathe anymore.
I know you can’t.

How will I ever sleep?
Not on your own.

Lord, I need you to breathe for me.
I am the breath in your lungs.

And what if I don’t sleep?
Still. I am the breath in your lungs.
Seen. Known. Loved.

•